Chinese Interests Purchase Democratic Party

The Prognost-o-matic™

In a controversial move, the Trump administration has sold the Democratic Party to Chinese interests in return for forgiving $400 billion of US debt held by China in the form of Treasury Bills, Notes, and Bonds. After heated arguments and various legal maneuvers along party lines, the Supreme Court approved the constitutionality of the transaction in a 5-4 vote.

In addition the Chinese government has made a promise to refrain from dumping its additional dollar holdings, now numbering roughly $1.2 trillion.

Despite widespread protests, the move was deemed an “inevitable” evolution of the synthesis of politics and economic interests in some circles.

The Democratic Party has been purchased by a joint venture headed by Geely Automobile and the Chinese government. There are various smaller entities that will have a smaller stake, including Alibaba and the Beijing Sinobo Guoan F.C. soccer team. Timetables for the full takeover were not disclosed.

Said Chinese President Xi Jinping of the move, “This is not an attempt to meddle in the affairs of the United States but it does give us a seat at the table. We have a great many interests in North America and this purchase will allow us to grow both the Chinese and Democratic brands in a way beneficial to both countries.”

Geely chairman Li Shufu added a prepared statement that read in part, ”We are excited to add the Democratic Party to our portfolio. We feel this will dovetail perfectly with the Volvo brand, making Volvo the official car of American Democrats now more than ever.

Rumors that Guangzhou FC chairman Gao Han would be named the new Democratic Party chairman were unconfirmed. However Gao also issued a brief prepared statement, asserting “our motto is ‘be the best forever’, and we hope to describe the Democrats that way soon.”

The Democratic Party will not be renamed in the foreseeable future, according to the principals involved in the acquisition.

Republicans Change Name to White People’s Party

Look into the Future as The Houseplant Presents:

Prognost-o-matic™

In a long anticipated move advocated by President Trump and Special Confidant without Portfolio (SCP) Steve Bannon, the Republican party has changed its name to The White People’s Party. Said the president: “The term ‘Republican’ has a lot of messy history. It says country club. It says elitist. It says Colin Powell and Condoleeza Rice. We’re all about something brave and new now”. Myself and my amazing staff have discussed fully realizing real Americans’ vision for the future, and that includes accurate names for everything.

Said press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders: “We received a little blowback from the NSWPP [the dormant National Socialist White People’s Party] regarding rights to the name, but after a meeting we convinced them that this move is for the betterment of all Americans, including our traditionally Aryan friends.”

Sanders  added “Naturally the media will get this completely wrong. All Americans are welcome to be White People. In fact we encourage it whole-heartedly. Personally I would never be part of any exclusionary party.” Upon hearing of Sanders’  remarks the president thrust 2 thumbs up and exclaimed “Sarah is just amazing. And so are White People”.

Said Paul Ryan, “I think the president is on the right track here and should be given enough room to make his vision work. Personally I’m proud to be both a white person and in the White People’s Party. The haters trying to divide our great country  will cry racism, but this new, better vision of America has no room for racism or hate.”