The Gun Debate

The scene is the Roosevelt Room in the White House Kitchen. Today’s staff meeting has been assigned to the gun issue. There is an AR-15 assault rifle on the table near CBI. The usual staffers are in attendance as well as the Lizard twins.

Special guest star: WLP, head of the NRA

CBI: Good morning. We’re here to get this dumb gun thing behind us, and get back to making America great again. Lizardo, I did not see your daughter wearing the MAGA cap to school by the way. We had a deal, and I don’t like people who renege on deals.

LZ2: (looks uneasy, glances at LZ1). I assumed that was a joke, sir.

CBI: (visibly upset) Those hats are NOT a joke. We are here because of those hats! And me of course.(Smiles and calms down). OK, LZ, get on top of it. There is nothing smarter than wearing that hat. I would think she would be wearing it all the time. No greater route to popularity than associating with a winner.

CBI: Let’s commence with the compliments

BS: Sir, we’re a little short on time. You’ve got lunch and golf, and that phone call from Prime Minister Trudeau.

CBI: That French fool is a huge pain. Oh Sorry, Duane, I guess you’re French, too.

WLP: I’m from New York, sir, like yourself. My heritage is German, Scottish, French-Canadian, but that goes back a ways.

BS: It’s Wayne, sir.

CBI: Let’s get on with it. And cancel that damn phone call. I feel like putting in a little extra link time today.

(CBI picks up the AR15) So this is the baby that’s causing all the trouble, huh?

CBI suddenly points the AR15 at the group of people opposite him at the table.

CBI: BOOM!

(Several attendees instinctively scatter, some go to the floor)

CBI: Ha, ha. You guys are as bad as those pathetic high schoolers. You’d think one of those kids would have the guts to confront that shooter guy – maybe some of the football players or something.

CBI: I know I would have, that’s on the record. I’ll bet this thing would work great for Baldwin. Maybe ALL the Baldwins at once. (waves the AR-15 around the room again)

CBI: Can we take a few minutes while we go around the room and hear congratulations on my courage?

(Each attendee gives a short speech praising CBI’s bravery in confronting the Florida shooter)

CBI: So Duane, we need some kind of symbolic action so these dumb-ass high school kids, and the hired actors, will shut up. Can we sub in a different model of rifle to replace these things? After 6 months we’ll bring this baby back.

WLP: It is our policy not to back down when our 2nd amendment rights are threatened, sir.

CBI: Oh, come on. As you know by now we’re about results, not that silly constitution. That goddamn Sessions never shuts up about it. You know, I never heard anything about that when he was kissing my ass hoping to be attorney general.

WLP: We think this issue is being manipulated. It is a mental health issue. If enough citizens had AR-15s, we would in fact not have an AR-15 problem at all.

CBI: Hey listen Duane, I’m the one that came up with that mental health angle. DO NOT take credit for my ideas. I’m doing you guys a favor with that stuff.

CBI: Hey, is it burger time yet?

CBI: I think we’ve done some good work here today – let’s call it a day. I’ve got some appointments.