The New Election Strategy 2

Second in a series (yikes!)

The president is giving a post-Midterm election speech on television

Citizens of the United States, the greatest country on Earth, my country, our country

(hesitates, glances to the rear of the room)

(restarts)

Fellow Americans,

I am here before you to discuss some grave news. I will get right to the point. The republic is in crisis. Although we have just held a seemingly normal election, federal and state agencies, working in tandem, have discovered something more sinister at the bottom of it.

(pauses, once again looks to rear of room)

This election was not conducted fairly or under democratic principles. We have discovered that many results were manipulated by external forces. Currently we have identified several races that do not reflect the actual winner. We will be releasing the full list shortly. Because the evidence is overwhelming any ‘false winners’ will not be seated in January until the results can be verified by our team.

It appears that several million fake votes were cast, many by non-citizens, many that were fabricated completely by hackers, many even by dead people. Initial data points to the same sources that falsely attributed several million non-existent votes to Hillary Clinton but we have no conclusion yet. It appears to the government that over 100 Democrat House candidates and over 20 Democrat governor candidates that were proclaimed winners, I mean Gubernatorial (pronounced Goo-Vern-a-turial) — were not really victorious, based on our verifiable data. These ‘false winners’ will not be acknowledged until full recounts have been accomplished, filtering out votes we know to be fake. For now the Republican candidates will be declared the winners.

The government’s evidence will remain classified and under seal for the foreseeable future.

I would like to introduce Kris Kobach, a veteran crusader for Democracy and the head of the new Task Force Fair Election USA. Kris was one of the first to identify the nefarious forces undermining our democracy and there is no one I trust more to handle and solve our vote fraud problems once and for all. There is no one YOU should trust more …

… besides myself of course

(gives 2 thumbs up and grins)

Kobach steps up,

Thank You sir. As we and the American people, know, voter fraud has infected the United Stets for several years now. I think we can finally do battle with a full set of resources. We will be reporting further shortly.

Trump gives half-smile

That is great

Trump is distracted, glances to the rear again. Recognizes someone …

Elbows Kobach out of the way. Kobach leaves the stage.

There’s one more person I’m going to introduce. Brett Kavanaugh is joining me on the broadcast.

Kavanaugh walks into the picture. It seems apparent that this was not in the script for the telecast.

Trump vigorously pumps his hand, pulls him rather forcibly to center-stage. Kavanaugh appears uneasy.

This is another example of why fake news cannot win. We will win. The Democrats are spreading fake news with these fake wins. We will reveal how much they lost by.

(pauses, sneers …)

Millions!

Telecast Fades to Black

 

The New Election Strategy

(First part of some number of parts greater than 1)

We are shortly after the 2018 Midterms. The Democrats have retaken the House, barely. The GOP seems oddly unconcerned. They are thinking outside the constitutional box and to a better future.

Fun Note: With the impending departure of LZ2 we will be dealing with only one Lizard (for now). Of course there are many lizards in the thorny and amoral world of politics, but not that many in the Houseplant Biosphere.

We will call him Lizardo (LZ) … (why do I feel a Tony Bennett melody coming on?)


LZ: I’m glad we got the drunk guy in. That was an important piece of the puzzle

IR: The Big Man will love this

SEM: I hope he sticks to the script. That will be a great speech.

LZ: I think we pace it slowly

SEM: Why? I want to see the end of the Democratic Party in my lifetime

LZ: No no no. The USA has to be a 2 party system. Otherwise we’re what, Venezuela?

IR: I agree. What’s the difference if the Democrats run California? We need a good bogeyman.

(Murmured assent)

SEM: OK, fine. Are we giving them any other states?

LZ: New York for sure. And maybe what, Hawaii?

(Laughter all around)

Unknown attendee: And American Samoa!

(Laughter swells in intensity)

SEM: Let’s get the meetings together. We need to get the findings out soon. The election never happened!

(LZ eye roll)

BJR has just entered

BJR: Of course it happened. But we won easily. How could we not win? We’re the winners. Lets get this fraud out in the open

LZ: Yes. Good. Meeting over.

LZ: (quietly but tersely, to IR): How did he get in here? That little dolt will blab it on twitter before the speech. I think he might believe the narrative. That’s trouble.

To be continued …

 

The Meeting of the Minds

Today, You Are There introduces a very special participant in our series: THE Houseplant himself (if you are unclear on his real identity please check here: http://thehouseplant.net/manifesto-ette/ . In addition we are introducing a new character as well:

Angry White Judge (AWJ)

Yay!

Off we go

The Houseplant (HP) and AWJ are sitting in a large SUV on an empty highway near the woods. They are applying disguises.

AWJ: Are you sure this meeting is safe? This is a sensitive time for me.

HP: Don’t worry about a thing. Photography is not allowed inside. I’ve found this to be a pretty safe haven. Of course the disguises are a must. But a lot of the customers are disguised. It’s all taken in stride.

He places a large afro wig on his head and pastes on a salt and pepper handlebar mustache. He is wearing a dashiki with several layers of Mardi Gras beads. The final touch is a pair of enormous gold-tinged Aviator sunglasses.

HP: Let’s get that wig on already.

AWJ: OK, let me finish my makeup.

AWJ puts on a large blonde wig, with hair cascading down past his collar. He has pasted on a blondish-red mustache and goatee. He is wearing clip-on earrings with enormous peace signs. He has applied an Instant Tan product which gives him a fairly dark skin tone, especially in contrast to the blonde wig. He is wearing overalls, work boots and a plaid shirt. He also has giant Aviator sunglasses, in red.

HP: That outfit’s a little weird but as far as disguises go I think it will work. Remember, anyone takes a photo; we call security and seize their camera. And it’s too dark inside to photo anything without a flash. Remember, NEVER take off the glasses, for any reason.

AWJ starts the SUV and they proceed down the road for roughly 15 miles. Little is spoken on the way.

HP: Ah, there it is. Pull into the lot.

The first lights for several miles are visible. A huge neon sign announces Kitty’s Den-o-Sin in multi-colored flashing lights. A squat building with music blaring from inside lies before them. The parking lot is ½ full, about 15 vehicles.

HP: My spot! Middle of nowhere, nobody bothers us. Word is Clinton used to hang out here in his, er, private time. I think his disguise was some kind of a hipster musician cat. We all would have been better off if he was a better sax player, could go play for some dumbass rock band in the South or something and skipped politics,

Our protagonists enter the club and find a table near the stage. It is indeed dimly lit, with the exception of the brightly illuminated central stage, currently featuring 4 women in various stages of undress. One is completely naked; the others will get there soon enough. The customer area is arranged in a circle around the stage.

The waitress approaches immediately.

AWJ: Scotch rocks please

HP: Ginger ale

HP: This is a nice relaxation place. You know, I love Virginia, but this place is great for some relaxing man time. I know you could use that.

AWG: Oh yeah, for sure. These crazed leftist chicks are on the warpath. Don’t they know what Yale is like? Even that nitwit Bush was a drunken horn dog.

AWG drains his drink and signals for another.

HP: Well I’m here to tell you that the time is coming soon when you’ll be in charge. And we can show those crazy bitches, er no no, I didn’t say that …

HP is a little disoriented but recovers after a minute of silence. AWG takes the lull in conversation as an opportunity to drain his second drink.

HP: OK, anyway we’re going to be in charge. We’re going to ignore the women on the court, we’re going to ignore all that left wing noise around the country, the men are in charge. The women on the court have been a huge pain, even O’Connor. God, she was the worst. Nino hated her, still hard to believe she was a Reagan appointment. Ginsburg is the only one you can talk to but of course she’s basically a socialist, same as that Mexican one.

AWG: Nino?

HP: Mr. Scalia’s nickname for his friends. Not only my inspiration, but a man so smart and so ethical I never had to pay much attention. Whichever way he went, that was my vote too. I certainly miss him. What would Nino do? I ask myself that at every session. Well, at every voting session. I don’t pay much attention to the rigmarole and the endless lawyer posturing. Waste of effort if you ask me. Nino had his mind made up well before the hot air started.

AWG: Listen, these Democrats are getting nothing from me. This is a crazed conspiracy, I’m fed up. I’m with you. To Nino!

AWG lifts his glass, but it’s empty. He frantically signals for another drink, which is quickly delivered.

HP: You probably want to slow down there a bit.

AWG: I’m totally in control.

One of the dancers has just come off stage. She approaches the gents and offers a lap dance. HP waves her away immediately.

HP: Remember, we’re strictly spectators here.

AWG is staring forlornly as she walks away. He has finished his 3rd drink.

HP: So look, what I want to tell you again is the men are in charge now. The court and the country, we will be setting the agenda, as its always been, as it should be. The liberal noise, you can tune that out. That’s going nowhere. I was where you are now, and you can see it all blew over.

AWG: I hope so. I’ve got my enemies list going already. Total outrage.

HP: Yes, OK

AWG has summoned his 4th drink. He appears a bit unsteady

HP: We have to get going. I’ll drive.

Another dancer has finished her shift. She also approaches the table offering a lap dance. HP tries to reject her but AWG has a different idea.

AWG: (now clearly drunk): Hey, hey, STOP trying to be in control. You’re worse than the Democrats. Honey, come here. I’m ready. Be gentle. (AWG guffaws loudly at his joke).

Our scene ends with HP striding out in disgust. AWG is now hugging the dancer as she attempts to do her lap dance. He has placed 2 100 dollar bills on the table, so she is putting up with his groping with a bemused grin and several eye rolls. His blonde wig has slipped off and is on the floor. It appears someone is readying their phone for a snapshot …

 

Handicapping the Democratic Presidential Challengers

The landscape has changed for presidential campaigns – everyone wants to be president now! Donald Trump has shown that:

  • You don’t have to work that hard
  • You don’t really have to know much, although pretending you do is A-OK
  • You don’t have to prepare for meetings or speeches
  • You can continue to enrich yourself, allowing your family and your companies to leverage your office
  • You can say anything
  • You can threaten anybody

And, really, you don’t have to be very smart or, you know, read books or anything like that.

Thus luminaries such as Oscar de la Hoya and Dwayne Johnson have declared their intent to seek the presidency.[1] Even a relatively sober captain of industry such as Jamie Dimon has decided he’s smarter than Trump and thus could beat him in an election[2]

An easy decision apparently, although Dimon has since claimed he was not actually running, but that he could.

And there’s a whole raft of contenders waiting in the wings – The Houseplant is here to help you make sense of them. If this was a monetized and/or commercial website we’d do it in Listicle format – you’d have to page through every single one of these guys and gals, accompanied by a huge stock photo, a tiny blurb, and endless ads and popups. At the Houseplant it’s all content, no filler ,no ads and no apologies either.

The list of luminaries below comes from an internet betting site and the odds listed come from that site. In other words you can make actual bets and get those odds. I am not picking them randomly, despite appearances to the contrary. I have not supplied the full list, however.

Let’s get started start with our 2 poster kid sports figures:

Oscar de la Hoya

Biggest Pro: Shoo-in for most of the Latino vote (we think)

Biggest Con: Not a shoo-in for most of the non-Latino vote

Salient Characteristic: Can beat up anyone on this list with the possible exception of Dwayne Johnson

Bonus Fun Fact: Earned a Grammy nomination in 2001

Odds: No line currently offered

Dwayne Johnson

Biggest Pro: Very affable and photogenic

Biggest Con: Film and television may interfere with campaigning and/or motivation

Salient Characteristic: Can beat up anyone on this list with the possible exception of Oscar de la Hoya

Bonus Fun Fact: Played in the Canadian Football League

Odds: No longer on the board

Chelsea Clinton

Biggest Pro: She’s a Clinton (and not Hillary)

Biggest Con: She’s a Clinton

Salient Characteristic: Politics is a ‘definite maybe’ for now

Bonus Fun Fact: Has written three children’s books

Odds: 100 / 1

George Clooney

Biggest Pro: See Dwayne Johnson

Biggest Con: Lifestyle would be degraded considerably by presidency, has young children

Salient Characteristic: Likes Italy much more than DC

Bonus Fun Fact: Had a pet pig that saved his life by waking him before an earthquake

Odds: 50 / 1

Howard Schultz

Biggest Pro: Wealthy enough to not be beholden to special interests

Biggest Con: We saw what that got us with Trump

Salient Characteristic: Upgrade in White House coffee quality

Bonus Fun Fact: The original Starbucks outlets were first named Il Giornale

Odds: 30 / 1

Michelle Obama

Biggest Pro: She’s an Obama, and how good does that look right now?

Biggest Con: A daytime talk show would be a much more attractive gig

Salient Characteristic: Can beat up anyone on this list with the exception of Oscar de la Hoya and Dwayne Johnson

Bonus Fun Fact: Tallest 1st lady in history (5’11”, tied with Eleanor Roosevelt)

Odds: 25 / 1

Cory Booker

Biggest Pro: Will attract large African-American voter turnout, considered pragmatic Obama-style successor

Biggest Con: Didn’t really do all that well in New Jersey. But who does? (even ‘future GOP nominee’ Christie ultimately crashed and burned)

Salient Characteristic: Not married (usually fatal for national candidates)

Bonus Fun Fact: Recent girlfriend is an Instagram poet (really) 19 years his junior

Odds: 15 / 1

Oprah Winfrey

Biggest Pro: Everyone loves her

Biggest Con: She’d like to keep it that way, despite contempt for Trump

Salient Characteristic: Moving from Santa Barbara to DC is a major downgrade

Bonus Fun Fact: Has done voices for several cartoon characters

Odds: 14.5 / 1

Joe Biden

Biggest Pro: An actual professional politician with a track record and clear positions on major issues

Biggest Con: See biggest Pro

Salient Characteristic: Will be 78 in 2020

Bonus Fun Fact: Elected to the senate at age 29 (sworn in at 30, the minimum age requirement)

Odds: 6.5 / 1

Jerry Brown

Biggest Pro: Has successfully governed largest state in the USA

Biggest Con: That state is resented by many swing state voters

Salient Characteristic: Even older than Biden

Bonus Fun Fact: His rogue presidential run in 1980 was a pivotal early factor in dooming Jimmy Carter’s re-election campaign

Odds: 37.5 / 1

Eric Garcetti

Biggest Pro: Well-spoken and successful mayor of a mega-city whose metro area has a higher population than 46 other states

Biggest Con: See Jerry Brown

Salient Characteristic: No one has ever gone directly from being mayor to president although several have tried

Bonus Fun Fact: Is a very good jazz pianist

Odds: 23.5 / 1

Tim Kaine

Biggest Pro: Anodyne enough for independent voters

Biggest Con: Too anodyne for other voters?

Salient Characteristic: The very picture of centrist Democrat competence i.e. pure Virginia

Bonus Fun Fact: Was quoted thusly: “I am boring. But boring is the fastest growing demographic in this country.”

Odds: 37.5 / 1

Al Franken

Biggest Pro: Successfully remade himself as a serious and thoughtful politician

Biggest Con: The gropey thing seems to play better in the GOP

Salient Characteristic: Was forced out for 2 groping incidents despite being one of the top women’s advocates in the senate

Bonus Fun Fact: Widely rumored to be planning a return to politics

Odds: 47.5 / 1

Tulsi Gabbard

Biggest Pro: Fresh face with pro-military (but anti foreign interventionist) and centrist views

Biggest Con: Seems to be a cult member, the Hindu affiliation may be an albatross

Salient Characteristic:  Very cozy with rabid anti-Muslim Indian leader Modi, to the point of being an apologist for continuing attacks on Muslims in India

Bonus Fun Fact: South Carolina GOP senator Trey Gowdy has publicly referred to her as ‘cute’

Odds: 26.5 / 1

Mark Zuckerberg

Biggest Pro: Will introduce t-shirts as standard attire for White House staff meetings

Biggest Con: Thankfully does not seem to want the job at all

Salient Characteristic: Possibly the shadiest and most opaque “tech titan”

Bonus Fun Fact: Probably the most gifted developer (back when they were developers) among the tech titans

Odds: 30 / 1

Michael Avenatti

Biggest Pro: Hates Trump

Biggest Con: Acts like Trump

Salient Characteristic: Loves to bait Trump, governing ability probably also equivalent to Trumps (roughly zero)

Bonus Fun Fact: Ran Tully’s Coffee into the ground, including multiple allegations of fraud, tax evasion, etc. (see: Biggest con above. Double entendre intended)

Odds: 22.5 / 1

Hillary Clinton

Biggest Pro: Please

Biggest Con: Make

Salient Characteristic: it

Bonus Fun Fact: Stop

Odds: 32.5 / 1

Kamala Harris

Biggest Pro: Asian / Black ethnicity will bring those groups out to vote

Biggest Con: But will it bring the Hispanics?

Salient Characteristic: Current frontrunner on the betting line but still a fairly large underdog against the field

Bonus Fun Fact: Obama called her “the best looking attorney general in the country.”

Odds: 3.5 / 1

Elizabeth Warren

Biggest Pro: Will go the distance to take down Trump

Biggest Con: Probably better at that in the senate

Salient Characteristic: Is now open about ‘considering’ a 2020 presidential run

Bonus Fun Fact: Her presence in the field will keep Trump’s dull-witted racism front and center

Odds: 5.25 / 1

Bernie Sanders

Biggest Pro: Sincere, passionate, speaks for disenfranchised Americans

Biggest Con: Seems to feel Denmark (population: 5,700,000) is a role model for future US domestic policy

Salient Characteristic: Probably would have beaten Clinton without DNC intervention in 2016

Bonus Fun Fact: Probably would have beaten Trump without DNC intervention in 2016

Odds: 6.75 / 1

Gavin Newsom

Biggest Pro: Photogenic future governor of largest state, fairly effective mayor of a city that punches well above its demographic weight

Biggest Con: See Jerry Brown and Eric Garcetti, admitted adulterer (the adultery things plays better in the GOP these days, as we well know)

Salient Characteristic: Something of a Democratic Paul Ryan born with a silver spoon, well-connected (and even better funded), has not faced much political adversity

Bonus Fun Fact: Newsom’s grandfather was a strategist for Pat Brown and godfather of Jerry Brown’s sister Kathleen. Newsom’s father was appointed to the appellate court by Jerry Brown. Did we say connected?

Odds: 9.5 / 1

Your Humble Narrator

Biggest Pro: Super-Smart

Biggest Con: Too Smart

Salient Characteristic: Kind of a Smart-ass

Bonus Fun Fact: Thinks he’s smarter than Trump. Like everyone else does

Odds: ∞

  1. https://www.cbsnews.com/news/oscar-de-la-hoya-says-he-wants-to-run-for-president/ https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2018/07/the-rock-dwayne-johnson-skyscraper-president-2020Duane Johnson still wants to run, just not in 2020 apparently
  2. https://www.cnn.com/2018/09/12/politics/jamie-dimon-donald-trump/index.html