The Meeting of the Minds

Today, You Are There introduces a very special participant in our series: THE Houseplant himself (if you are unclear on his real identity please check here: . In addition we are introducing a new character as well:

Angry White Judge (AWJ)


Off we go

The Houseplant (HP) and AWJ are sitting in a large SUV on an empty highway near the woods. They are applying disguises.

AWJ: Are you sure this meeting is safe? This is a sensitive time for me.

HP: Don’t worry about a thing. Photography is not allowed inside. I’ve found this to be a pretty safe haven. Of course the disguises are a must. But a lot of the customers are disguised. It’s all taken in stride.

He places a large afro wig on his head and pastes on a salt and pepper handlebar mustache. He is wearing a dashiki with several layers of Mardi Gras beads. The final touch is a pair of enormous gold-tinged Aviator sunglasses.

HP: Let’s get that wig on already.

AWJ: OK, let me finish my makeup.

AWJ puts on a large blonde wig, with hair cascading down past his collar. He has pasted on a blondish-red mustache and goatee. He is wearing clip-on earrings with enormous peace signs. He has applied an Instant Tan product which gives him a fairly dark skin tone, especially in contrast to the blonde wig. He is wearing overalls, work boots and a plaid shirt. He also has giant Aviator sunglasses, in red.

HP: That outfit’s a little weird but as far as disguises go I think it will work. Remember, anyone takes a photo; we call security and seize their camera. And it’s too dark inside to photo anything without a flash. Remember, NEVER take off the glasses, for any reason.

AWJ starts the SUV and they proceed down the road for roughly 15 miles. Little is spoken on the way.

HP: Ah, there it is. Pull into the lot.

The first lights for several miles are visible. A huge neon sign announces Kitty’s Den-o-Sin in multi-colored flashing lights. A squat building with music blaring from inside lies before them. The parking lot is ½ full, about 15 vehicles.

HP: My spot! Middle of nowhere, nobody bothers us. Word is Clinton used to hang out here in his, er, private time. I think his disguise was some kind of a hipster musician cat. We all would have been better off if he was a better sax player, could go play for some dumbass rock band in the South or something and skipped politics,

Our protagonists enter the club and find a table near the stage. It is indeed dimly lit, with the exception of the brightly illuminated central stage, currently featuring 4 women in various stages of undress. One is completely naked; the others will get there soon enough. The customer area is arranged in a circle around the stage.

The waitress approaches immediately.

AWJ: Scotch rocks please

HP: Ginger ale

HP: This is a nice relaxation place. You know, I love Virginia, but this place is great for some relaxing man time. I know you could use that.

AWG: Oh yeah, for sure. These crazed leftist chicks are on the warpath. Don’t they know what Yale is like? Even that nitwit Bush was a drunken horn dog.

AWG drains his drink and signals for another.

HP: Well I’m here to tell you that the time is coming soon when you’ll be in charge. And we can show those crazy bitches, er no no, I didn’t say that …

HP is a little disoriented but recovers after a minute of silence. AWG takes the lull in conversation as an opportunity to drain his second drink.

HP: OK, anyway we’re going to be in charge. We’re going to ignore the women on the court, we’re going to ignore all that left wing noise around the country, the men are in charge. The women on the court have been a huge pain, even O’Connor. God, she was the worst. Nino hated her, still hard to believe she was a Reagan appointment. Ginsburg is the only one you can talk to but of course she’s basically a socialist, same as that Mexican one.

AWG: Nino?

HP: Mr. Scalia’s nickname for his friends. Not only my inspiration, but a man so smart and so ethical I never had to pay much attention. Whichever way he went, that was my vote too. I certainly miss him. What would Nino do? I ask myself that at every session. Well, at every voting session. I don’t pay much attention to the rigmarole and the endless lawyer posturing. Waste of effort if you ask me. Nino had his mind made up well before the hot air started.

AWG: Listen, these Democrats are getting nothing from me. This is a crazed conspiracy, I’m fed up. I’m with you. To Nino!

AWG lifts his glass, but it’s empty. He frantically signals for another drink, which is quickly delivered.

HP: You probably want to slow down there a bit.

AWG: I’m totally in control.

One of the dancers has just come off stage. She approaches the gents and offers a lap dance. HP waves her away immediately.

HP: Remember, we’re strictly spectators here.

AWG is staring forlornly as she walks away. He has finished his 3rd drink.

HP: So look, what I want to tell you again is the men are in charge now. The court and the country, we will be setting the agenda, as its always been, as it should be. The liberal noise, you can tune that out. That’s going nowhere. I was where you are now, and you can see it all blew over.

AWG: I hope so. I’ve got my enemies list going already. Total outrage.

HP: Yes, OK

AWG has summoned his 4th drink. He appears a bit unsteady

HP: We have to get going. I’ll drive.

Another dancer has finished her shift. She also approaches the table offering a lap dance. HP tries to reject her but AWG has a different idea.

AWG: (now clearly drunk): Hey, hey, STOP trying to be in control. You’re worse than the Democrats. Honey, come here. I’m ready. Be gentle. (AWG guffaws loudly at his joke).

Our scene ends with HP striding out in disgust. AWG is now hugging the dancer as she attempts to do her lap dance. He has placed 2 100 dollar bills on the table, so she is putting up with his groping with a bemused grin and several eye rolls. His blonde wig has slipped off and is on the floor. It appears someone is readying their phone for a snapshot …


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