The Enemies List

(Prelude, before a staff meeting)

CBI is pacing back and forth, muttering to himself

CBI: Base, Base, Base, Basic, Trump, tower, tower ,tower, wall …

Pauses …, opens door to hallway

CBI: Kelly!

No one arrives

Starts muttering again

No Kelly, no Kelly, base, base

Actual staff meeting begins, attended by the usual suspects

CBI: Last week I mentioned to Frank here (gestures to a BS) that we will begin our Monday staff meetings with a discussion of potential enemies to attack. Yes, we are going on the attack and I will expect every one of you to fall in behind me and support our highlighted enemy.

CBI: I have a few that haven’t received the attention they deserve, groups and people who oppose America and the administration, which is the same thing.

CBI: Frank, can you start with the list?

BS: It’s Mark, sir.

BS: (to attendees) We’ve tested these groups with both the base and our important friends and gotten some good feedback.

BS: We found that attacking Hispanics continues to test well. The best results were when attacks on Blacks were mixed in. This tested better than Blacks and Hispanics attacked separately.

CBI: That’s good, but we need new avenues, I want to awaken more of America.

CBI: How about the German car thing?

BS: We ran the ‘driving German cars means you’re against America’ combined with 50% tariffs on all products from Germany idea, but it turns out 42% of 6 figure contributors to the party own or drive at least one German car. Some have several. Additionally it didn’t test that well among the base – it turns out many of them would like a German car at some point.

CBI: Alright, we’ll come back to that. Maybe substitute French cars for now. Tired of that French guy.

(Met with quizzical glances around the room)

IR: Sir, I don’t think we import any French cars.

CBI: Fine with me. This will keep it that way. Mark, get those tariffs written up in an executive order.

IR: Mike, sir.

CBI: OK, getting places

(Starts muttering under his breath, suddenly snaps out of it after 20 seconds)

BS: Next on the list is academics.

CBI: Yes! Yes! I like this one. Those socialists have gotten a free pass for too long. Ralph, didn’t you tell me to start calling the Democrats socialists? This is a great first step.

CBI: How about this? America’s universities are overrun by Socialists, maybe even Communists. Shall we open that up?

BS: That didn’t test that well sir. It worked better if we targeted certain institutions, but the general attack tested negatively with the base. However if we narrow it to Berkeley we got a positive spin.

CBI: Berkeley? That’s it?

BS: It seems many in the party also don’t like Oberlin and Mills.

CBI: What are you talking about?

BS: There seems to be some grudges there among the DC party activists towards those schools.

(CBI is exasperated, starting to lose his temper)

CBI: I need some big names here! Oberlin and Mills sounds like a comedy act!

BS: Ivy League attacks also tested well with the base but that gets a lot of pushback amongst our party.

CBI: Really? Maybe we should start getting rid of those elitists and just keep it real American, you know?


CCC: Sir, if I can interject briefly, some of the best and brightest leaders in our party come from the Ivy League. We are thin on the ground as far as expanding our appeal, and this might constrict it.

CBI: First off, thanks for contributing. Second of all, I think you’re dead wrong. There are way more true Americans in our base than academics. And you guys should get over it. I went to the best school in the Ivy League. The best! My gut tells me much more than those useless books ever did. They never taught street smarts over there, that was a big problem.

CBI: You know what we need in here. More street smarts. Frank, your next project is to determine how we get the cabinet to lead by their gut, by real instincts. You guys can hop on or you’ll be replaced.

CBI: We’re going with the Hispanic attacks this week. I want the academic attacks honed. I’m going to tweet against Berkeley this week, maybe we can get them investigated for being controlled by China or something like that.

(Looks around the room)

CBI: No one here drives a German car anymore, understood? We’re still going to run with that in the future. I spent a lot of time during commercials last week working on this list.

The New Election Strategy 3

Last in a series (finally)

An august group of GOP leaders are putting the finishing touches on election strategy going forward. And not a moment too soon.

SEM: The reaction to that election was scattershot. We have to be pre-emptive.

LZ: The new law is written. We have to pass it in the last session before the Dems take their places.

IR: Do you think we could prevent them from taking their seats?

LZ: Meh, …

SEM: We were late on this whole thing

LZ: Is the drunk guy going to play along?

IR: Definitely. We think our people will be onboard.

SEM: So basically any disputed election goes straight to the Supreme Court?

LZ: Yes. And the genius is the president decides which election is disputed, with proper input of course.

SEM; He’ll go for this for sure. Didn’t you mention this to him before he made that nitwit remark about the election results?

IR: He’s not listening to anybody, still stewing over who knows what. If he wasn’t so self-obsessed with twitter and watching those Fox attention whores stroking him maybe we could get something done.

LZ: Alright, let’s alert the drunk guy and the Houseplant and try to get that thing passed before those Bolsheviks take their seats