The Gun Debate

The scene is the Roosevelt Room in the White House Kitchen. Today’s staff meeting has been assigned to the gun issue. There is an AR-15 assault rifle on the table near CBI. The usual staffers are in attendance as well as the Lizard twins.

Special guest star: WLP, head of the NRA

CBI: Good morning. We’re here to get this dumb gun thing behind us, and get back to making America great again. Lizardo, I did not see your daughter wearing the MAGA cap to school by the way. We had a deal, and I don’t like people who renege on deals.

LZ2: (looks uneasy, glances at LZ1). I assumed that was a joke, sir.

CBI: (visibly upset) Those hats are NOT a joke. We are here because of those hats! And me of course.(Smiles and calms down). OK, LZ, get on top of it. There is nothing smarter than wearing that hat. I would think she would be wearing it all the time. No greater route to popularity than associating with a winner.

CBI: Let’s commence with the compliments

BS: Sir, we’re a little short on time. You’ve got lunch and golf, and that phone call from Prime Minister Trudeau.

CBI: That French fool is a huge pain. Oh Sorry, Duane, I guess you’re French, too.

WLP: I’m from New York, sir, like yourself. My heritage is German, Scottish, French-Canadian, but that goes back a ways.

BS: It’s Wayne, sir.

CBI: Let’s get on with it. And cancel that damn phone call. I feel like putting in a little extra link time today.

(CBI picks up the AR15) So this is the baby that’s causing all the trouble, huh?

CBI suddenly points the AR15 at the group of people opposite him at the table.

CBI: BOOM!

(Several attendees instinctively scatter, some go to the floor)

CBI: Ha, ha. You guys are as bad as those pathetic high schoolers. You’d think one of those kids would have the guts to confront that shooter guy – maybe some of the football players or something.

CBI: I know I would have, that’s on the record. I’ll bet this thing would work great for Baldwin. Maybe ALL the Baldwins at once. (waves the AR-15 around the room again)

CBI: Can we take a few minutes while we go around the room and hear congratulations on my courage?

(Each attendee gives a short speech praising CBI’s bravery in confronting the Florida shooter)

CBI: So Duane, we need some kind of symbolic action so these dumb-ass high school kids, and the hired actors, will shut up. Can we sub in a different model of rifle to replace these things? After 6 months we’ll bring this baby back.

WLP: It is our policy not to back down when our 2nd amendment rights are threatened, sir.

CBI: Oh, come on. As you know by now we’re about results, not that silly constitution. That goddamn Sessions never shuts up about it. You know, I never heard anything about that when he was kissing my ass hoping to be attorney general.

WLP: We think this issue is being manipulated. It is a mental health issue. If enough citizens had AR-15s, we would in fact not have an AR-15 problem at all.

CBI: Hey listen Duane, I’m the one that came up with that mental health angle. DO NOT take credit for my ideas. I’m doing you guys a favor with that stuff.

CBI: Hey, is it burger time yet?

CBI: I think we’ve done some good work here today – let’s call it a day. I’ve got some appointments.

The Meeting about Jerusalem

The scene is the White House Kitchen. The 60 inch television is on but silent. CBI is watching the television and drinking a diet cola. The TV remote is next to the cola can. He is surrounded by regular staff. OS, IR and XMCH are also in attendance.

Special guest star: GE (Generic Evangelical)

CBI: I am delivering

CBI: People, not only did I make the bold promises, I delivered

CBI Takes a drink of cola and stares at the television. Something has caught his eye. After 30 seconds of uncomfortable silence

CBI: I

CBI: Am

CBI: Delivering

CBI: Can I get a hamburger in here?

BS: Yes sir, it’s been ordered. We order them automatically now for each meeting, per your earlier instructions

CBI: Hurry it up. I think I signed an Executive order for that one, didn’t I?

There is another 30 seconds of silence. CBI has resumed watching television, but only briefly.

CBI: I love those Executive orders. I can reverse that Kenyan’s whole scheme in 6 months.

CBI: BS, I’m going to branch out a bit. Let’s do one that fires any NFL player that doesn’t stand for the anthem. I can do that!

XMCH: Sir, we should move to the topic at hand. I see you’ve invited GE. I’d like to extend a welcome on behalf of everyone here.

CBI: Hang on, hang on.

CBI grabs the TV remote and turns the volume up past a comfortable level. He is starting at himself on the screen. His jaw goes slightly slack. The entire room is now dominated by the image of CBI on the screen, accompanied by the loud commentary.

2 minutes pass

CBI looks up blankly. Suddenly a McDonald’s hamburger is placed in front of him. This snaps him out of his reverie. Coincidentally his image is no longer on the television. He mutes the volume. The television remains on.

CBI: OK,what is it XMCH? Are we finished yet?

XMCH: No sir. We are discussing the recognition of Jerusalem as the Israeli capital. OS and I, while supporting your move, think the timing is bad.

GE: We believe it’s long overdue.

CBI: Yes, yes. It is not just overdue but a bold move. It is a move that I make. OS, get your butt to Europe and tell our friends what reality is like.

CBI: And by friends, you know who I mean (CBI smirks and rolls his eyes)

OS: I would urge you to postpone the move sir.

CBI: Be quiet man, hang on.

CBI turns the volume back on and finishes his hamburger and cola. The room is again dominated by the television volume.

CBI: I think we’re done. Good meeting. We need to cut these down a bit in length.

CBI: Can I get a hamburger and cola here. Get on it BE!